la douleur exquise

2006-08-23T00:35:00.000-07:00

well it's been a while sincie i've posted. the trip to las vegas, los angeles and san francisco was a blast. i'm really glad i decided to go through with that. vegas was so fun, but also kind of a blur. los angeles is actually kind of a shithole, i dont realely care for it at all. san francisco is gorgeous and so comparible to new york city in so many ways. my birthday/going away party was also a blast. i was so worried that no one was going to show up, but a ton of people showed up. i was excited. and i was drunk. the next 2 nights i continued my legal drinking adventures, and it was awesome. we went to a festival & a bunch of bars the last few nights. basically all in all i had the time of my life this past month haha. i'm going to be posting pictures on my flickr account as soon as i get around to it. probably friday in the car on the way to new york.

oh yeah, i'm moving friday! it's amazing. i'm really excited. my address is going to be a new york address now haha. shit that just reminded me i need to do a change of address also! i haven't really packed much other than some kitchen supplies. so yeah its past 330am and i think i just need to go to bed. sooo goodnight & i'll probably be posting once i get settled into the city and get my internet access back!

2006-07-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

cedar point rocks! seriously if you ever come to ohio, GO THERE! no other amusement park compares! not even shitty orlando/universal studios/disneywhatever in florida. seriously. these rides at cedar point are mammoth. and so, so fun.

had a blast today riding all the rides!

2006-07-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

okay so my school tuition bill came today... i don't mean to discuss finances or anything like that, but to sum it up, its a little over $17,000........... a SEMESTER! wow this is going to kill me. literally.

i need a job in nyc. hopefully the Express job will pull thru, i think it's only like 11 blocks north of where i will be living. not sure how much it pays, or anything of the sort. but i guess having a connection to the manager could help a little. god i hope so.

i'm watching rent right now, and it's pretty interesting. lots of singing, but its a pretty good story line and such. i kinda drift off during some of the songs tho... trying to work on my party invitations, but i don't have the right pictures on this computer, so i guess that will have to wait until tomorrow. i think that's all i really have to say right now, nothing too interesting. housing information should be here by the end of the month. hopefully they'll give me some information on my roommates as well. can't wait. i'm getting really excited. and very ready. it's way past time.

2006-07-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

alright seriously- america is headed for a world of trouble. not to mention all of the overseas shit and wars with other countries... but the youth of america.. seriously i think the next generation is doomed. unless these dumbfuck kids (im talking children right now, all the way up to about the 25 year olds) are seriously fucking retarded. i am so fed up with hearing all of these anti-bush democratic followers, that jump on the fucking bandwagon and become I LOVE GAY RIGHTS AND I HATE BUSH! i mean you can deffinitely tell the people apart that honestly are not bush supporters, and support gay rights and all that shit- and thats perfectly fine. but then you can always pick out the dumbasses that decided to become vegan hippies and hate anything traditional to the american way. all these kids that are bisexual and sleeping with everybody AND their friends like its the new fucking hobby. ugh it's just so irritation to see so many naive, idiotic kids! i know i'm only 20, but i'd like to think i'm a little more grown up than some of these kids. i think you just hit a point in your life when you realize you're not a kid anymore, and you actually start to form your own opinions and beliefs, not based on what any of your friends think or do. and i just feel as tho most of the people i know or see haven't hit that point yet. because clearly they act a certain way to fit into this criteria of what they SHOULD be like. i know that i was a dumb kid, even a year ago. but i mean christ, i am just really sick of seeing kids. these people that act exactly like all of their friends. they are all grouped together. no one is an individual. seriously.

and then these people who are myspace popular? haha you know you're still a little kid, stuck in high school world when your life is according to myspace, and you refer to people by their myspace names. wow i really need to get the hell out of toledo and to new york already.

2006-07-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

i (won't be) home for christmas...?!?

i was just looking at airfare, nyc to detroit around christmas time, and i don't think i'll be able to afford it! its gonna be about 500 bucks round trip! so looks like i'll be spending my entire xmas break in nyc, alone...

2006-07-14T22:28:00.000-07:00

soo i recently caught *someone* in a lie... it's kind of ridiculous because i don't want to bring it up and cause a fight, even though that's pretty much all we do is argue. but a flat out lie. i swear once i move, i am not getting involved with any guys until i am like 30. it's just pointless. i'm not looking to get married, or even have a serious relationship anymore. i'm just so done with it. and i have been. we should have ended it a looong time ago before it turned into this. we should have NEVER gotten back together a year and a half ago. clearly we are two completely different people, and in this case, opposites don't attract. i am relieved it's almost over, because it has been an exhausting journey. i don't put a huge emphasis on relationships like most people do, but really, i need a break. i've been dating steadily since i was like 13 or 14. thats like 7 or 8 years too long. i need to just be myself and not worry about someone else. and then people wonder why i don't trust guys, probably because every boyfriend i have ever had, has cheated on me. i'm convinced it's the age group. people go through that stage in their lives. but whatever i guess i shouldn't be bending over backwards for someone that has cheated on me in the past. granted i wasn't exactly faithful, but at least i told him immediately and we broke it off. and i guess i kind of did it in spite of what i knew he was out doing. he on the other hand, didn't tell me. instead he continued hanging out with the girls every weekend, and coming back to me. gross. i think i've wasted a lot of time with him. not necessarily wasted, because it's been fun for the most part. but what is the point in "dating" if it's going nowhere? but then again, where do i want it to go? if im not looking for long term stuff, then what the hell else do i want? nothing. haha relationships are stupid, and that is the reason i think i am going to choose not to partake in them again for a very long time.

2006-07-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

today wasn't so bad. i woke up at like 1pm, which was nice. olivia & i went over to the sound aslyum record place on monroe street, then we went out to maumee bay w/ my brother, john & chrissy. we swam in the nasty e-coli infested lake eerie water. then olivia and i went rollerblading around the place for a bit and got a good workout. i came home and went swimming in my clear pool, which was surely an upgrade to nasty maumee bay. they didn't even have the waterslide in today at maumee bay! that sucked! corey came over later in the evening and we watched american pie and some other pointless shit on tv. it was nice to relax after a day of outdoor stuff..

i started "dieting" about a week ago. i've lost 5 lbs. haha. it's not really a diet, i just cut out all of the sweets. no cookies, ice cream, nothing. and i've been exercising every day for at LEAST a half hour but its usually about an hour. i haven't even been tempted to eat the chocolate chip cookies, or donuts, or chocolate milk in my house, and it's been rather nice.

5 pounds down, i'm going for about 20 total. that would be AWESOME!

2006-07-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

I would really like to learn how to dance... like real dancing, not bump & grind club dancing. I wanna do hip hop & salsa and just anything different. i'm so damn excited to get out of the ordinary routine OHIO life, and actually have the chance to do different stuff!! If anyone knows where I can do some dance classes, let me know!!

registration for fall & spring semesters is complete. I have 8 classes this semester. that's a lot. but then again, they're only once a week. i have 3 day weekends- fri, sat & sun. so it should be okay. i'm going to enjoy the city this first semester =)

2006-07-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

adsense.

oh yeah, does anyone know anything about this google adsense thing? they pay you to advertise on your site...? something seems not right about that, and I don't really feel like reading through the 9 million pages of IMPORTANT INFO about it haha. so yeah if anyone knows anything, or uses it, let me know!! thanks!

2006-07-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

so a few months ago my brother took my super nintendo out of my room to take it to his friends house. the next day, he told me that he had it in the trunk of his friends car and the whole care was stolen in detroit. yeah. ok. keep in mind that my brother is a 25 year old drug addict who has never held a steady job in his life. seriously kids- everytime he gets a job he's done within the first week because "someone in our family in indiana died, his car broke down and he doesnt have money to fix it," etc... well he got into a car accident a year and a half ago and totaled his car, without car insurance. he is without a car now, and he was excused from all of his medical bills and general bills just because he doesn't work. he's stolen 850 dollars at one point, from my parents, and blamed it on me. so bottom line, my brother is a LOSER. he lives with his girlfriend and she pays for EVERYTHING.

so yeah, long story short, my brother sold my super nintendo for drug money. then one weekend my mom & i worked our asses off and had a garage sale at the house, to save money for my move to NYC. my brother had a few things in there and made about 95 bucks total. but i kept 40 for a super nintendo because that is how much the local stores were selling them for. well here, about 2 months later, he calls me up saying I FOUND A SUPER NINTENDO FOR $12.99 SO YOU CAN GIVE ME BACK THE 25 BUCKS. fuck you. you're a fucking DICK and all you do is mooch money off of everybody. so i am just going to give him the 40 fucking dollars and tell him to fuck off. sorry for the excessive use of the word FUCK but come on, i cannot stand lowlife sons of bitches such as my brother. fuck him.

other than that, i had my pupils dialted today, and then i put my new contacts in. i couldn't see AT ALL. i had to write out a check and i couldnt even see the check, i guess i was way off the lines. i don't know how i made it home. they gave me those pressure drops too so now on top of my sinus pressure, my head is killing me. still haven't found a pair of glasses that suits me right tho.

i talked to my advisor at SVA today as well, registered for classes. i think i have 8 classes my first semester, which initially sounds overwhelming. but considering i only have each class once a week, and i'm out by like 3pm every day, it's cool. plus i have friday, saturday & sunday off =) 3 day weekends are nice. especially for my first semester in a new city- it's going to need some getting used to.

ok this blog was pretty much just a useless rant about my brother, though i tried to add some excitement. i promise i will post more interesting stuff in the near future.

2006-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

life.

this whole moving thing has really got me thinking lately. it's a huge step to move out on your own for the first time in your life. reaching that point when you are finally old enough to take care of yourself. but of course now i'm starting to worry. am i really old enough? of course i am- i'm 21 years old. but i've become so reliant on my parents that now i'm wondering what it's going to be like. of course i'll be fine- i'm a responsible person and i have been for a long time. but i must make it that much more difficult by moving 9 hours away from home, to a crazy hectic city. but there will always be those little things that are going to be tough. like when i need something at a moments notice so i call mom and she gets it and its at the house on the way home from work. when i'm working on an art project and i just need one little thing to make it that much better- and all i have to do is look in the cupboard. don't get me wrong, i am not second guessing this decision in the least bit. in fact, i think this is the best and smartest decision i have EVER made in my entire life. and lord knows i've done a lot of stupid things. i'm just starting to put things into perspective on how things are really going to be once i'm settled into the city. i think it's going to be amazing. the change is going to suit me well. i'm not fit for a small little residential area. i do not want to get married and have kids and own a house by the age of 25. hell i hope to never do that. that's not me. i hate driving. im not really into owning a car either. i like walking places. i like having something to look at. i like being surrounded by a million other people that are so different from me, yet we all share this need for urban living. i like meeting new people. i like going to different places and seeing different people, not the same routine day in and day out. most importantly- i cannot wait to start the schoolwork. i am FINALLY starting on something that i really enjoy doing. the two years i have spent at owens have really been an extension of high school. learning bullshit. now i'm focusing on advertising. every class. call me crazy but i'm stoked.

this all has me thinking about relationships i have with people. a year ago i was complaining how much i hate it here, how i cannot stand anyone i know because they are all shady and like to screw me over CONSTANTLY. i reached a point where i felt as though i had no real friends. nobody that would truly stand by me through anything. i haven't been through a lot of tough situations (thankfully) but the one event that killed me the most, when my grandmother passed away, i didnt receive much support from my friends. it hurt me to realize that no one cared to try and make me feel better. i think that was the beginning of my realization of what i considered "friends." i stopped hanging out with the people that didn't call me... i realized how often i was the one trying to set up time for these people, but they never did the same for me. i realized how many guys clearly didn't want to be acquainted once they had a girlfriend, which clearly showed they had other intentions as well. so fuck it. i quit trying to stay in touch with all of those people. and before you know it i literally had nobody. i didn't see my best friend anymore. i just worked 46hrs a week and did homework all night. but now, faced with the decision to up and leave everyone, i've realized who i am going to miss. of course there are only a handful of people, including my parents and my dog, but i guess these people mean more to me than i thought. those people that are important to me i will not lose touch with so for that i'm happy. i've become increasingly close to my parents and i am going to miss just sitting around with them. but it's all going to work out fine. i think i'm going to do a LOT of growing up over the next year. and geez- i thought i've done a ton of that already.

this has been a pretty long blog. i'm just really bored and my mind is going about 9000wpm. way faster than i can type. sorry if this didn't make much sense!